At The Crossroads

I would be lying if I claimed that all I am today is all I ever imagined myself to be. I will not lead people into thinking that my life is perfectly painted because that is not true. There are many things that I still hope to accomplish, places I long to discover, and lessons I pray that I will learn in small, gentle doses in the years to come. If there was a precept that I am taking into heart lately, it’s the universal truth that time never belonged to anybody – most especially on days when you believed it was on your side and the thoughts you have hung for hereafters are in danger of being lost forever.

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A few months ago, I listened helplessly to a close friend narrate how she came home too late. Her father died just a few days before her scheduled arrival from Africa. It was a very difficult time for her and although she will not admit it, she struggled with accepting the untimely death that has drummed her nights with unnerving ‘what ifs.’ Then there’s the current political unrest in Thailand that has catapulted demonstrations which divided a nation supposedly known for its peaceful savor. The recent bombings in the capital have killed and injured many, mostly innocent bystanders. Add this to the anarchy unfolding in Valenzuela and Ukraine where thousands marched in the streets to end the oh-so-familiar face of dictatorship. The world, one would easily conclude, has gone crazy and everyday, one, two, or three families are deprived of  warranted goodbyes. Even the flesh-eating disease circulating in Pangasinan, Philippines that was labeled as ‘hoax’ by the Department of Health (DOH) was disconcerting enough to make us think of the essence of the decisions we have made so far.

thinking

Recently, as I wrangled with the need to write, I have been asking myself many questions. Am I where I’m supposed to be? Am I doing what I should be doing? Have I exhausted my time prodigally? Have I used my gifts unsparingly that others may gain from them as well? Am I still getting the fulfillment that I have always aimed for when I treaded unfamiliar grounds? Am I spending enough time with the people I love? I know the answers to some of my questions and I have to admit, I do not like them.

I do not like the idea that the consequences of chasing my dreams have lead me farther and farther from home. I do not like the idea of choosing a lucrative job that allowed me to travel, and marvel at the world’s wonders, have cast aside my dog-eared pointe shoes that had been a good friend while I was growing up. I do not like the idea of making practicality a full-time job but conceiving the opportunity to help, a part-time one only. Most of all, I grow weary of the restlessness that has followed me everywhere and worry about how little time I have invested for my family.

I do not want to add more ‘I should haves’ to my already existing list of regrets. I do not want to wake up and realize that I have wasted my time on less important things. I do not want to be daunted every night of thoughts of coming home too late. I do not want to be roused by creativity one day only to realize that my bones have turned brittle and that I have lost the command of my body to old age. I do not want to offer help when help is no longer needed. So, I have decided to re-evaluate my bucket list and make some changes. The best thing about my bucket list is, I have decided to make it organic last year. It was going to be alive, something that was constantly evolving into something else; hence there were alterations made to my bucket list (which only included travel itineraries – a thought that saddens me because I have only been indulging my own whims) that I intend to alter again as soon as I have organized my course of action.

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The old, un-updated bucket list.

There are many things I want to add to my bucket list and I know that if I want to make these new things happen, I had to make one big decision before summer ends. I know that as soon as I take this path, I would have to give up some of the fruits of my hard work, but these were risks that I was willing to take.

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Comments

  1. Nice reflection Den, seems you are voicing some thoughts inside my mind right now. . . . Miss yah girl , lets enjoy the present moment and say ” thy will be done Lord ! (or whoever Gods there are in heaven)

  2. thanks te totz! responded in facebook…hahaha 🙂

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